Lady of the Land @Lady@cat.family

2/10 blowjob and i’m being kind of arbitrary here

zelda fans love using the word “skyward” to describe the direction of Link’s dick

i can’t even be mad about it; canonically, Zelda WOULD be one to say « Your passion shows no bound. Please, release yourself from your prison so we can further our love. »

as the camera does a slow zoom in on Link’s crotch to make sure you understood the message

every one of these lines is exactly the type of terrible dialogue that Nintendo of America would absolutely have Zelda say

« After their extended kissing session, Link parted his mouth from Zelda’s and looked around in puzzlement.

“The Malice is still here,” he said.

Zelda’s gaze turned determined. “Then we must go further. With hatred this strong, we must counter with an even stronger act of love!” » NOW it is time to defeat the Calamity with the holy light of my vagina!!

i hate that i read this in her voice

« “Malice is a substance of pure evil, pure hatred,” began Zelda. “So, the most surefire way of countering it is an act of pure love.” A rosy red flushed her cheeks as a smile began to creep back onto her face.

Link’s eyes widened in shock and he swallowed in surprise, but soon gave way and nodded.

“Good idea,” Link said. » time to defeat the Calamity with the holy light of my vagina

straight girls on the other hand are very observant and figure out the basics of how dicks work pretty fast

i think this is because most boys don't know how their own dicks work

the ones who do write better smut

boys in general like fantasizing about hot images while girls care more about logic and science and vaguely plausible mechanics

most smut is written by girls with, at best, no strong feelings regarding pornography, but some is written by boys who watch entirely too much of the stuff and you can always tell because they tag it like it’s RedTube

i have yet to read a fic tagged “Creampie” which is good but maybe this will be the one!!

@Satsuma was like “what will you do when you run out of blowjob fics” and i was just like “wait until they write more?? ”

5/10 blowjob by the way; the author is decently able to fake their way into readable smut but they couldn’t commit to the bit

very surprised a Sex Injury did not just happen in this fanfic

modern AU where zelda is like “i've only ever seen dick in those illustrations on wikipedia which demonstrate what fellatio looks like <https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Wiki-fellatio.svg>”

fandom is CONVINCED that zelda takes place in a time of victorian prudishness where people aren't just caring around ornamental phalluses as good luck charms but also in which scientists (a) are definitely drawing dicks and (b) trying their damnedest to make them unsexy

« She’d only ever seen diagrams in books which made everything out to be very clinical and patently un-sexy » absolutely everyone agrees that Zelda was the type to go digging through medical manuals hoping to see pictures of cock

for someone who just had sex zelda seems remarkably ignorant of how arousal works

(from <https://gizmodo.com/legend-of-zelda-tears-of-the-kingdom-link-trans-1850430832>)