Lady of the Land @Lady@cat.family

« Link sets the bra on the side of the tent and lets himself stare at her breasts for a moment » why did you feel the need to mention that

« “There isn’t a written rule,” Zelda interrupts. “We’re living in the modern age now. The letter of the law does not forbid it, just the spirit. If you don’t want me, that’s fine, but don’t lie to me about it.” » Zelda please stop talking

« He tries again, his voice a soft monotone, “I’m so sorry, Princess. I shouldn’t have done that.” » i wish every zelda fanfiction writer a very good read this comic https://www.dumbingofage.com/2012/comic/book-2/02-choosing-my-religion/casualbang/

« As if it’s not enough that she has to see the damn purple sword every day in its lurid, phallic ostentation » living for this description of the Master Sword

one time i read a romance profic which felt the need to specifically mention that the protagonist used TAMPAX® brand tampons that is the story behind TAMPAX®

at least i think it was a profic; i would hope fanfiction would be better than that

« One time, he sprinted to a corner store to buy her emergency tampons because she couldn’t leave her 4-hour afternoon lab. » why did you specifically need to call out the tampons

were they TAMPAX®

« Once, Zelda mentioned off-hand that she liked a type of granola bars that had been discontinued and Link went and baked them himself, packing enough of the bars for their next trip to feed an army. They’d even tasted better than the original. » is this a personal anecdote

tell me more about your favourite brand of granola bar, OP; i’m sorry they stopped making them

definitely not a kink piss, certainly not, oh no

this fic is not tagged “Urination”, “Watersports”, or anything similar

because you are probably thinking the same thing as me, i should clarify that this is a non‐sexual penis; Link is currently « pissing off a damn cliff »

also, what

« Rather than Link impaling a variety of monsters with his silly purple sword, he instead has a very different sword in hand and is certainly not slaying anything with it.

_That sword is a penis_ Zelda realizes in horror. _That’s Link’s penis._ » i love authors who come up with a metaphor which they really think is clever, but then worry that the audience won’t get it, so they immediately explain the metaphor in the next paragraph

no fanfic author knows how to properly describe this glorious man’s voice, not even the ones who wish he was gay

in case you were wondering, here is what Link sounds like in canon https://youtu.be/N5tDiqRaYqU

« When he talks, she’s always surprised that his voice is lower and softer than expected. She wishes it was high and reedy and annoying. » (low, soft voice) HYAAAAAAA⁓

are girls just not into straight dudes anymore???

this fic is tagged F/M???

« even though Zelda has a sneaking suspicion he’s not entirely straight based on calculating the average amount of time he stares at both attractive women and men, Link still wears the worst, most stereotypically heterosexual male cargo pants she’s ever seen » zelda what exactly are you saying here

« *He* doesn’t have to struggle for years to unlock his goddess-given gifts, *he* doesn’t have to bear the shame and anxiety of the entire kingdom, and he doesn’t even have to attend graduate school like she does. Worst of all, unlike Zelda, he doesn’t have to write a damn dissertation! Or, in her case, two: a real dissertation about the quantum mechanics of ancient Sheikah technology and a fake theology dissertation to appease her father. » i liked her better three paragraphs ago when she just thought Link was boring

this is NOT why Zelda hates Link in canon but i’m here for it