midnight ramen…… no…… i’m thinking…… midnight mac n cheese
while i read “The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts”, a legend of zelda fanfiction novella which has, somehow, garnered itself 121 bookmarks since being published at the beginning of this year
stay tuned for more on this critically‐acclaimed piece of fiction
i have yet not attained 121 bookmarks on all of my fanfiction, combined so it MUST be good
« So far, the hot fall day passed like a kidney stone: slow and excruciating. » we’re off to a great start folks
i love authors who come up with a metaphor which they really think is clever, but then worry that the audience won’t get it, so they immediately explain the metaphor in the same sentence
i feel very encouraged that this author does not expect me to know what passing a kidney stone feels like
they are really bothering me with their use of tense; it’s not wrong but it’s not easy to read
« Since breakfast, Zelda and Link had been riding through the mountains with only a short stop for lunch. Now, the afternoon sun beats down as they travel across the exposed cliffside, pricking their skin and sneaking through the protective barrier of Zelda’s sunglasses into her eyes. »
you need a better transition from past to present than that, here in the beginning of the fic, when your voice is not yet established. like at least start a new paragraph please
first they say “the middle of bumfuck nowhere” but later in the same paragraph they say “the center of bumfuck nowhere”; pick one
this fic is not tagged “Anal Sex”
« As usual, he doesn’t talk to her unless it’s absolutely necessary and shows as much emotion as the rocky face of the mountain does. » it’s this mountain https://youtu.be/Ku2s8HcAluk
« What must it be like lacking any passion for life or knowledge, Zelda wonders? What must it be like to go through life like a piece of white bread, living only as an imitation of a person? » holy shit
this is NOT why Zelda hates Link in canon but i’m here for it
« *He* doesn’t have to struggle for years to unlock his goddess-given gifts, *he* doesn’t have to bear the shame and anxiety of the entire kingdom, and he doesn’t even have to attend graduate school like she does. Worst of all, unlike Zelda, he doesn’t have to write a damn dissertation! Or, in her case, two: a real dissertation about the quantum mechanics of ancient Sheikah technology and a fake theology dissertation to appease her father. » i liked her better three paragraphs ago when she just thought Link was boring
« even though Zelda has a sneaking suspicion he’s not entirely straight based on calculating the average amount of time he stares at both attractive women and men, Link still wears the worst, most stereotypically heterosexual male cargo pants she’s ever seen » zelda what exactly are you saying here
this fic is tagged F/M???
are girls just not into straight dudes anymore???
« When he talks, she’s always surprised that his voice is lower and softer than expected. She wishes it was high and reedy and annoying. » (low, soft voice) HYAAAAAAA⁓
in case you were wondering, here is what Link sounds like in canon https://youtu.be/N5tDiqRaYqU
no fanfic author knows how to properly describe this glorious man’s voice, not even the ones who wish he was gay
« Rather than Link impaling a variety of monsters with his silly purple sword, he instead has a very different sword in hand and is certainly not slaying anything with it.
_That sword is a penis_ Zelda realizes in horror. _That’s Link’s penis._ » i love authors who come up with a metaphor which they really think is clever, but then worry that the audience won’t get it, so they immediately explain the metaphor in the next paragraph
this fic is not tagged “Urination”, “Watersports”, or anything similar
definitely not a kink piss, certainly not, oh no
« Once, Zelda mentioned off-hand that she liked a type of granola bars that had been discontinued and Link went and baked them himself, packing enough of the bars for their next trip to feed an army. They’d even tasted better than the original. » is this a personal anecdote
tell me more about your favourite brand of granola bar, OP; i’m sorry they stopped making them
« One time, he sprinted to a corner store to buy her emergency tampons because she couldn’t leave her 4-hour afternoon lab. » why did you specifically need to call out the tampons
were they TAMPAX®
one time i read a romance profic which felt the need to specifically mention that the protagonist used TAMPAX® brand tampons that is the story behind TAMPAX®
at least i think it was a profic; i would hope fanfiction would be better than that
« As if it’s not enough that she has to see the damn purple sword every day in its lurid, phallic ostentation » living for this description of the Master Sword
« He tries again, his voice a soft monotone, “I’m so sorry, Princess. I shouldn’t have done that.” » i wish every zelda fanfiction writer a very good read this comic https://www.dumbingofage.com/2012/comic/book-2/02-choosing-my-religion/casualbang/
« “There isn’t a written rule,” Zelda interrupts. “We’re living in the modern age now. The letter of the law does not forbid it, just the spirit. If you don’t want me, that’s fine, but don’t lie to me about it.” » Zelda please stop talking
« Link sets the bra on the side of the tent and lets himself stare at her breasts for a moment » why did you feel the need to mention that
« Unbidden and unwanted, the buried memory of Link and the peanut butter cup slams into Zelda’s mind. Link’s habit of bringing snacks wherever he goes extends even to lectures, and one fateful, dark day during the middle of Quantum Mechanics 251b, he pulled out a single serving cup of peanut butter. But instead of doing anything dignified like using a fork or crackers to eat the peanut butter with, Link peeled back the foil, dipped his tongue in, and went to town. » oh my god
« _Oh goddesses, I’m the peanut butter cup now,_ Zelda thinks. _Oh no oh no oh no–_ » i’m not even going to make the joke again you all know it by now
« In that moment, Zelda knows she’s made a grave tactical error. She should never have bet against the man who has a Bachelor’s of Science in goddamn Anatomy and Physiology, is ambidextrous, has greater mastery of his own body than anyone alive, is already gifted by literal goddesses at manipulating other’s body mechanics, and is blessed at doing everything and anything physical. And that was without even entering his innate love of eating things into the equation. »
The Continuing Adventures of ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’ – Chapter 2
there’s a Chapter 2
The Continuing Adventures of ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’ – Chapter 2
i was hoping that i wouldn’t have anything to say about Chapter 2
I WAS WRONG
The Continuing Adventures of ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’ – Chapter 2
« Not that she ever thinks about Link's choice of underwear, but if Zelda did happen to imagine what type of underwear Link wears, she’d probably conjure up something like garish heart-printed boxers.
Now that the accursed pants are banished to the corner of the tent, she learns that Link actually wears a tight type of boxer-briefs that seem to have had a love child with compression shorts. Which Zelda supposes makes sense given the necessity of Link having a full athletic range of motion. And the necessity of keeping his penis and testicles from flopping around while fighting and climbing or riding horses and his ridiculous motorcycle. » i am unsure whether i should be impressed by this author’s forethought into the utility of Link’s underwear choices
The Continuing Adventures of ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’ – Chapter 2
« “You don’t have to do that. You can be loud. I can kill anything that disturbs us.” »
The Continuing Adventures of ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’ – Chapter 2
« She was torn between the fact that Link is so restrained and silent in normal life and the fact that he’s by no means quiet when fighting or doing anything physical. And after Urbosa made a rather ribald comment about Link’s excessively loud grunts during a training session, Zelda couldn’t stop thinking about it. Since sex is a physical act, she hypothesized that while Link possesses the ability to keep quiet, he would not naturally be silent. » some truly stellar fan logic in this one
The Continuing Adventures of ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’ – Chapter 2
« At her shout, one of the horses outside makes a loud, disgruntled noise that cuts through the thin fabric of the tent. It's a noise of unambiguous disapproval. ❲…❳
“Sorry, I think Epona wants us to keep the noise down so they can sleep,” Link snickers, raising his eyebrows. “I guess you could say we’re… disturbing the *neigh*-bors.”
What. In. The. Holy. Hell »
@Lady Let's the reader take a moment to also stare at her breasts
But in their mind
@Lady I honestly don't know what's worse here: Link eating out a fuckin reeses or Zelda using a fork on hers
@witchfynder_finder no the author means a literal cup of peanut butter i think
i know that’s what i thought at first too
@Lady PRINCESS
USE AN SPOON
@witchfynder_finder i don’t fucking know goblin
@Lady Okay I've decided, using a fork is DEFINITELY worse than eating out your cup of peanut butter
@Lady I don't know if this is SUPPOSED to be a joke, but it sure is funny
@witchfynder_finder i’m prettttyyy sure most of this fic is supposed to be funny but i don’t think the author has quite figured out the difference between writing something people will laugh with and writing something people will laugh at
@Lady That sounds about right
And to be fair, I'm not even entirely sure which one I'm doing in this instance
The Continuing Adventures of ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’ – Chapter 2
@Lady I'm shook
@Lady I'd argue it's more a blue sword than purple
@Lady But I will admit calling it purple does add ot the lurid, phallic ostentation
because you are probably thinking the same thing as me, i should clarify that this is a non‐sexual penis; Link is currently « pissing off a damn cliff »