Lady of the Land @Lady@cat.family

« Not that she ever thinks about Link's choice of underwear, but if Zelda did happen to imagine what type of underwear Link wears, she’d probably conjure up something like garish heart-printed boxers.

Now that the accursed pants are banished to the corner of the tent, she learns that Link actually wears a tight type of boxer-briefs that seem to have had a love child with compression shorts. Which Zelda supposes makes sense given the necessity of Link having a full athletic range of motion. And the necessity of keeping his penis and testicles from flopping around while fighting and climbing or riding horses and his ridiculous motorcycle. » i am unsure whether i should be impressed by this author’s forethought into the utility of Link’s underwear choices

i was hoping that i wouldn’t have anything to say about Chapter 2

I WAS WRONG

there’s a Chapter 2

« In that moment, Zelda knows she’s made a grave tactical error. She should never have bet against the man who has a Bachelor’s of Science in goddamn Anatomy and Physiology, is ambidextrous, has greater mastery of his own body than anyone alive, is already gifted by literal goddesses at manipulating other’s body mechanics, and is blessed at doing everything and anything physical. And that was without even entering his innate love of eating things into the equation. »

« _Oh goddesses, I’m the peanut butter cup now,_ Zelda thinks. _Oh no oh no oh no–_ » i’m not even going to make the joke again you all know it by now

« Unbidden and unwanted, the buried memory of Link and the peanut butter cup slams into Zelda’s mind. Link’s habit of bringing snacks wherever he goes extends even to lectures, and one fateful, dark day during the middle of Quantum Mechanics 251b, he pulled out a single serving cup of peanut butter. But instead of doing anything dignified like using a fork or crackers to eat the peanut butter with, Link peeled back the foil, dipped his tongue in, and went to town. » oh my god

« Link sets the bra on the side of the tent and lets himself stare at her breasts for a moment » why did you feel the need to mention that

« “There isn’t a written rule,” Zelda interrupts. “We’re living in the modern age now. The letter of the law does not forbid it, just the spirit. If you don’t want me, that’s fine, but don’t lie to me about it.” » Zelda please stop talking

« He tries again, his voice a soft monotone, “I’m so sorry, Princess. I shouldn’t have done that.” » i wish every zelda fanfiction writer a very good read this comic https://www.dumbingofage.com/2012/comic/book-2/02-choosing-my-religion/casualbang/

« As if it’s not enough that she has to see the damn purple sword every day in its lurid, phallic ostentation » living for this description of the Master Sword

one time i read a romance profic which felt the need to specifically mention that the protagonist used TAMPAX® brand tampons that is the story behind TAMPAX®

at least i think it was a profic; i would hope fanfiction would be better than that

« One time, he sprinted to a corner store to buy her emergency tampons because she couldn’t leave her 4-hour afternoon lab. » why did you specifically need to call out the tampons

were they TAMPAX®

« Once, Zelda mentioned off-hand that she liked a type of granola bars that had been discontinued and Link went and baked them himself, packing enough of the bars for their next trip to feed an army. They’d even tasted better than the original. » is this a personal anecdote

tell me more about your favourite brand of granola bar, OP; i’m sorry they stopped making them

definitely not a kink piss, certainly not, oh no

this fic is not tagged “Urination”, “Watersports”, or anything similar

because you are probably thinking the same thing as me, i should clarify that this is a non‐sexual penis; Link is currently « pissing off a damn cliff »

also, what

« Rather than Link impaling a variety of monsters with his silly purple sword, he instead has a very different sword in hand and is certainly not slaying anything with it.

_That sword is a penis_ Zelda realizes in horror. _That’s Link’s penis._ » i love authors who come up with a metaphor which they really think is clever, but then worry that the audience won’t get it, so they immediately explain the metaphor in the next paragraph

no fanfic author knows how to properly describe this glorious man’s voice, not even the ones who wish he was gay

in case you were wondering, here is what Link sounds like in canon https://youtu.be/N5tDiqRaYqU