Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
this guy has written SEVENTEEN Link/Zelda blowjob fics and i’m not optimistic about any of them
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
so far zelda and link are both being set up as disaster bisexuals
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
this author also knows that Zelda is taller than Link and thinks Link is horny about it
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
despite these things they are really bad at romantic tension, or romance in general; they are clearly eager to get to the fucking part of the story because this part is making my eyes glaze over
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
they’re doing the whole “Zelda secretly watched Link masturbate while they were on the road together” trope but they are failing to be horny about it
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
i’m very unconvinced these characterizations resemble canon
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
what do fanfic authors think “animalistic” noises sound like? what kind of animal, do you think?
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
woof woof woof bark
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
« now Link made a noise, though this noise was one of shock. In response, Zelda simply kissed him harder, and that seemed to work » this does not work do not do this
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
this author writes pretty good dialogue which is a real shame because as soon as they started trying to fuck each other they stopped talking
leverage your strengths!!
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
we have reached the part where they put “licked” in italics
that’s how you know it’s hot, the font change
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
i am not convinced the author has ever attempted the sex act being described to me right now
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
« Zelda knew, of course, what "ejaculation" was. She had read all the books in the castle library about human reproduction, from the ones written for children just entering puberty to the detailed medical texts meant for doctors and researchers. They had included descriptions of the orgasm and its result, and even helpful illustrations in the case of the medical texts. » Zelda has crawled the library for every single book which mentions cum
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
do you think the librarians included it as a subject heading?? or did she just manage this all on her own??
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
« They indicated that most people with penises ejaculated about 4 milliliters of fluid at a time, 7 milliliters at most, and that it happened in a series of little spurts lasting a few seconds. » that’s 0.8 tsp to 1.4 tsp for the americans in the chat
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
props for “people with penises” tho
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
« But her logical side was a tiny voice in the back of her head now, and though she was thinking clearly and, indeed, logically about it, she was also extremely horny. » correct
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
(story claims link ejaculates way more than normal. sure, whatever, but I’LL have you know you can definitely get cum everywhere even when you’re only dealing with the “typical” 1 teaspoon)
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
« She placed a single, soft kiss on his cheek, and then another on his lips. Then she sat up and took a deep breath. "Whoo!" she exhaled, "that was every bit as strenuous as the books indicated." Link's smile was curious. "Books?" "Well, the castle library isn't the only library I've ever spent time in. Urbosa had a quite extensive private one, and it was rather less...stuffy...than the material found in the castle library." » Zelda has scoured TWO libraries
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
there is a second blowjob !
the first one tried to do too much and failed at all of it but this one is probably passable
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
i think i will give this story a 5/10 on blowjobs overall
🐊
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady bokoblin
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady Now I'm imagining a type of guy who gets "ergodic" and "erotic" mixed up and writes all their porn like House of Leaves
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady God dammit I made a stupid joke and now I think it's good
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady Okay that's actually pretty good
re: Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady lmao
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady second bj must have been great to bring the average up that high after the first failed in every aspect
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Satsuma no you are just underestimating how low this scale goes
re: Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady is ranking the quality of the blowjob given? or the quality of the writing for the blowjob? or for the quality of the story overall?
re: Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@wallhackio it’s based on (1) whether the blowjob itself is convincing (“this author knows what a blowjob is and successfully described one”), (2) the quality of the writing of the blowjob, and (3) whether the author succeeded in making the blowjob seem hot, which is kind of separate from writing quality more generally
re: Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady You should rank, out of 5, the blowjob in each of these categories, and then average those scores to create a total Lady's Blowjob Score
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady why do the fanfic authors ALWAYS do this?
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@coriander they think zelda is a horny little gremlin with books for friends
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady It's just weird to me how universal it seems to be, at least among the fics you post about
Also I feel like they always word it almost the same way every time
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@coriander yes
yes it is weird
however i definitely spent a lot of time on wikipedia when i was 14, so i try not to judge TOO much
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady Yeah I understand being a horny gremlin with books for friends, I just wish at least one of them would write her point of view a little differently
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
@Lady I have known some dogs who, if you rubbed their ears juuuuuust right, would make a grumbly sound that isn't entirely unlike moaning
But now that I say it, I don't like thinking about it in that way
Zelda gives Link a blowjob (29)
moaning is very human i haven’t heard many animals moan