this guy has written SEVENTEEN Link/Zelda blowjob fics and i’m not optimistic about any of them

so far zelda and link are both being set up as disaster bisexuals

this author also knows that Zelda is taller than Link and thinks Link is horny about it

despite these things they are really bad at romantic tension, or romance in general; they are clearly eager to get to the fucking part of the story because this part is making my eyes glaze over

they’re doing the whole “Zelda secretly watched Link masturbate while they were on the road together” trope but they are failing to be horny about it

i’m very unconvinced these characterizations resemble canon

what do fanfic authors think “animalistic” noises sound like? what kind of animal, do you think?

moaning is very human i haven’t heard many animals moan

woof woof woof bark

« now Link made a noise, though this noise was one of shock. In response, Zelda simply kissed him harder, and that seemed to work » this does not work do not do this

this author writes pretty good dialogue which is a real shame because as soon as they started trying to fuck each other they stopped talking

leverage your strengths!!

we have reached the part where they put “licked” in italics

that’s how you know it’s hot, the font change

i am not convinced the author has ever attempted the sex act being described to me right now

« Zelda knew, of course, what "ejaculation" was. She had read all the books in the castle library about human reproduction, from the ones written for children just entering puberty to the detailed medical texts meant for doctors and researchers. They had included descriptions of the orgasm and its result, and even helpful illustrations in the case of the medical texts. » Zelda has crawled the library for every single book which mentions cum

do you think the librarians included it as a subject heading?? or did she just manage this all on her own??

« They indicated that most people with penises ejaculated about 4 milliliters of fluid at a time, 7 milliliters at most, and that it happened in a series of little spurts lasting a few seconds. » that’s 0.8 tsp to 1.4 tsp for the americans in the chat

props for “people with penises” tho

« But her logical side was a tiny voice in the back of her head now, and though she was thinking clearly and, indeed, logically about it, she was also extremely horny. » correct

(story claims link ejaculates way more than normal. sure, whatever, but I’LL have you know you can definitely get cum everywhere even when you’re only dealing with the “typical” 1 teaspoon)

« She placed a single, soft kiss on his cheek, and then another on his lips. Then she sat up and took a deep breath. "Whoo!" she exhaled, "that was every bit as strenuous as the books indicated." Link's smile was curious. "Books?" "Well, the castle library isn't the only library I've ever spent time in. Urbosa had a quite extensive private one, and it was rather less...stuffy...than the material found in the castle library." » Zelda has scoured TWO libraries

there is a second blowjob !

the first one tried to do too much and failed at all of it but this one is probably passable

i think i will give this story a 5/10 on blowjobs overall