Lady @Lady@cat.family

now it’s time to read

THE REVIEWS

― V nice smut but also absolutely hilarious, a lil heartbreaking, and so well written. Second fic ever to nearly make me cry, but happy ending!! [rinaslily]

― Perfection do exist [Narvi_MARS]

― The only link/cargo pants fic I've found so far [Notarization]

― Mother of Smut this is good [Obsidiangst]

okay i have now finished the epic and critically‐acclaimed fanfiction ‘The Calamity of Link’s Cargo Shorts’

the ending was a lot of talking and me being frustrated about decisions regarding canon that nobody who follows me will understand, but trust me that it was very boring

goddammit we’re doing the “my sword remembers your past lives” trope in this one i guess

« At her shout, one of the horses outside makes a loud, disgruntled noise that cuts through the thin fabric of the tent. It's a noise of unambiguous disapproval. ❲…❳

“Sorry, I think Epona wants us to keep the noise down so they can sleep,” Link snickers, raising his eyebrows. “I guess you could say we’re… disturbing the *neigh*-bors.”

What. In. The. Holy. Hell »

« She was torn between the fact that Link is so restrained and silent in normal life and the fact that he’s by no means quiet when fighting or doing anything physical. And after Urbosa made a rather ribald comment about Link’s excessively loud grunts during a training session, Zelda couldn’t stop thinking about it. Since sex is a physical act, she hypothesized that while Link possesses the ability to keep quiet, he would not naturally be silent. » some truly stellar fan logic in this one

« “You don’t have to do that. You can be loud. I can kill anything that disturbs us.” »

« Not that she ever thinks about Link's choice of underwear, but if Zelda did happen to imagine what type of underwear Link wears, she’d probably conjure up something like garish heart-printed boxers.

Now that the accursed pants are banished to the corner of the tent, she learns that Link actually wears a tight type of boxer-briefs that seem to have had a love child with compression shorts. Which Zelda supposes makes sense given the necessity of Link having a full athletic range of motion. And the necessity of keeping his penis and testicles from flopping around while fighting and climbing or riding horses and his ridiculous motorcycle. » i am unsure whether i should be impressed by this author’s forethought into the utility of Link’s underwear choices

i was hoping that i wouldn’t have anything to say about Chapter 2

I WAS WRONG

there’s a Chapter 2

« In that moment, Zelda knows she’s made a grave tactical error. She should never have bet against the man who has a Bachelor’s of Science in goddamn Anatomy and Physiology, is ambidextrous, has greater mastery of his own body than anyone alive, is already gifted by literal goddesses at manipulating other’s body mechanics, and is blessed at doing everything and anything physical. And that was without even entering his innate love of eating things into the equation. »

« _Oh goddesses, I’m the peanut butter cup now,_ Zelda thinks. _Oh no oh no oh no–_ » i’m not even going to make the joke again you all know it by now

« Unbidden and unwanted, the buried memory of Link and the peanut butter cup slams into Zelda’s mind. Link’s habit of bringing snacks wherever he goes extends even to lectures, and one fateful, dark day during the middle of Quantum Mechanics 251b, he pulled out a single serving cup of peanut butter. But instead of doing anything dignified like using a fork or crackers to eat the peanut butter with, Link peeled back the foil, dipped his tongue in, and went to town. » oh my god

« Link sets the bra on the side of the tent and lets himself stare at her breasts for a moment » why did you feel the need to mention that

« “There isn’t a written rule,” Zelda interrupts. “We’re living in the modern age now. The letter of the law does not forbid it, just the spirit. If you don’t want me, that’s fine, but don’t lie to me about it.” » Zelda please stop talking

« He tries again, his voice a soft monotone, “I’m so sorry, Princess. I shouldn’t have done that.” » i wish every zelda fanfiction writer a very good read this comic https://www.dumbingofage.com/2012/comic/book-2/02-choosing-my-religion/casualbang/

« As if it’s not enough that she has to see the damn purple sword every day in its lurid, phallic ostentation » living for this description of the Master Sword

one time i read a romance profic which felt the need to specifically mention that the protagonist used TAMPAX® brand tampons that is the story behind TAMPAX®

at least i think it was a profic; i would hope fanfiction would be better than that

« One time, he sprinted to a corner store to buy her emergency tampons because she couldn’t leave her 4-hour afternoon lab. » why did you specifically need to call out the tampons

were they TAMPAX®

« Once, Zelda mentioned off-hand that she liked a type of granola bars that had been discontinued and Link went and baked them himself, packing enough of the bars for their next trip to feed an army. They’d even tasted better than the original. » is this a personal anecdote

tell me more about your favourite brand of granola bar, OP; i’m sorry they stopped making them

definitely not a kink piss, certainly not, oh no