« Zelda had been educated in how the body works and she knew that men had erections in the morning. » key information clearly

this scene of zelda playing with link’s dick while he is sleeping is not as good as that other fic where zelda plays with link’s dick while he is sleeping

this fic sure is leaning hard into the “Zelda and Link are technically related in all their incarnations after the first” for not being an incest fic

please note that this is a deliberate Choice; it is not explicit in canon that all Links are related by blood

or that Link and Zelda ever marry

« Of course Zelda’s education had included Hylian reproduction, and from what she had read from average length (though later on she’d figured said length might’ve been downplayed to accommodate smaller men), Link was quite above the curve. » why do you have to say it like this

can we get any biologists in the room to confirm or deny that biology manuals measure dick lengths while erect

« Her slender, elegant fingers wrapped around his shaft » actually can we pause and talk about zelda’s fingers for a bit

like, zelda’s hands are not small. she is taller than link, and all the formulas i can find correlating hand size and gender say that men are taller than women with the same hand size—i.e. have smaller hands than women of the same height

so like. yes zelda's fingers are slenderer than link's. but they're also LONGER

think about that

we still haven’t gotten to the blowjob

« Zelda herself had been busy as well, with her coronation being in two weeks » we’re just going to ignore the implication of the deaths of her parents

this is a Twilight Princess fic so her parents died like a year ago it’s fine

« Link didn’t envy her: running a kingdom is hard work. » has zelda ever once been shown doing this work

actually in the post-credits scene in Spirit Tracks she is shown doing some kind of work presumably because her underling turned out to be an evil demon bent on resurrecting a bigger evil demon who wanted to destroy Hyrule’s rail infrastructure and also take over the world

Spirit Tracks, or, Zelda learns the importance of hard work and not leaving your country’s infrastructure projects in the hands of demons from hell

« “You see, I’ve been in contact with someone you know very well.” Zelda showed Link a letter that was folded in half backwards, showing only the upper part. Looking at it Link recognized the handwriting of Mayor Bo asking how Link was doing and was immediately pulled from his musings. He looked at the princess again. “The two of us have been negotiating about the safety of Ordon, and we’ve reached the final steps of our diplomatic exchange. Now, to get to an arrangement we have to meet somewhere, and I believe that it is more likely to succeed if I were to visit him instead of him visiting me. Additionally, going there without a standard royal escort will be less beneficial than arriving more modestly. I’m there to help, not to conquer.” » holy shit this shitty fanfic just jumped several places higher in my ranking on account of this paragraph

recognizing the precarious position ordon is in as a protectorate but not proper province of hyrule after a war which hit them the hardest?? in MY zelink blowjob fic??

« The two of you are linked through fate and the Triforce, which is stronger than any bond of marriage either of you may engage in. » justifications for cuckoldry

« her breasts were the perfect middle ground between size and comfort, being attractive without being distracting » size and comfort……