Challenging myself to think about why I'm uncomfortable with the idea of people wishing me a happy birthday.
I've thought about it before, but not got past the thought that I don't want that kind of attention. It feels awkward and insincere.
This time I want to better understand *why* it feels that way. What are the underlying beliefs and assumptions?
1. If someone wishes me a happy birthday, it's not because they genuinely like me or think I'm special. They're just aware that it's my birthday, and wishing someone a happy birthday is a socially expected behaviour.
2. Even if they *do* genuinely like me and think I'm special, how would I know that?
3. If I give people the opportunity to celebrate the existence of me, specifically, and then they don't do so, I'll be disappointed and sad. Better not to allow it to happen ever, and then I can't be hurt when I allow it but it doesn't happen.
4. Sometimes, I've let myself be open to receiving love and appreciation from others, even openly told them I wanted it, and I haven't received it. The more I care about the specific person, the more it hurts when they don't give me what I want.
5. I can't control anyone else's thoughts, feelings, or behaviours. I can barely control those things for myself. It's safest not to want anything that I can't provide for myself. Then I can't be hurt by other people not providing it.
6. I want to be genuinely special and important to other people. (Doesn't have to be a lot of people.) I think I *am*. But if I allow people to tell me so, and they don't do it, god that hurts more than if I just don't allow anyone to tell me so, ever.
7. Some stuff that happened last year was fucking brutal. I'm not over it. I don't think about it every day any more. I rarely talk about it. But I still think about it on more days than I don't. My birthday last year was the perfect opportunity for someone I cared about to get their shit together and demonstrate that they cared about me. They didn't do it.
Anyway here's a slice of black sesame cheesecake that I bought as a treat for myself today, for no particular reason.
The lovely people at The Butter Room put a free 소금 빵 (salt bread roll) in the bag for me. I don't know why they did it. It's one of my favourite things that they sell, and I've bought plenty of them in the past. I haven't been in there for a while. When I went in today, they said they'd missed me. 💖
@lookitmychicken both the cheesecake and the bread roll look delicious! i hope they brought you joy 💖
yeah its always tricky when you want people to show up for you who either aren’t able or willing to — you are absolutely deserving of care and attention, but at the same time sometimes you just have to accept that that person isn’t going to give it to you for whatever reason (and then maybe adjust how much care and attention you’re giving them in exchange for so little back. but doing that often hurts too)
@Satsuma I adjusted the amount of care and attention I was giving, externally at least. I don't know how to adjust the amount of care I feel inside, though. Just gotta, erm, stuff that in a box, shove it into the back of a cupboard, and never think about it again. That's the healthiest way of dealing with it. Yep.