vent (sympathy and advice welcome but not necessary), internalized ableism, social anxiety
I am a high school dropout. After the Christmas holidays 3 years ago, I just didn’t show up anymore. I haven’t spoken to any of my classmates since then and I’m extremely hypervigilant everytime I’m in public in fear of running into any of them. Through the years I’ve been avoiding going certain places due to this intense anxiety.
vent (sympathy and advice welcome but not necessary), internalized ableism, social anxiety
The truth is that I’m not anxious because I fear them. I’m anxious because I’m ashamed. I am so ashamed that I dropped out of HS. I know it was the right thing to do due to my illnesses, but I still feel devastated with shame. And I don’t have a "redemption arc" either. I haven’t recovered. I haven’t managed to go back to school and I’m not able to work either. Everytime someone asks me "so what do you do?" I panic. I feel like I amount to nothing.
vent (sympathy and advice welcome but not necessary), internalized ableism, social anxiety
Tomorrow night there’s a concert my friend is playing at that I wanna go to. It’s good music and I really wanna support them. And I’ve told them I’ll come. But now looking at the rsvps and seeing some old classmates are going, it’s really making me wanna stay home.
vent (sympathy and advice welcome but not necessary), internalized ableism, social anxiety
I wanna show up for my friend. And I wanna show up for my fucking self in my own life and do the things I want to do instead of hiding. But it’s making me sick with anxiety. I don’t know what to do.
sympathy & advice re:vent :)
@siren as a fellow dropout (CFS/ME) i absolutely feel you on the awkwardness. even outside of the shame/stigma this is just not something that has a clear social script. i never knew what to say to people id lost touch with when i dropped out and they pretty much never knew what to say to me either (winner i think was the guy who randomly commented “wait you’re still alive???” on my insta one day lmao)
i also want to say you don’t need a redemption arc—your life path might not be normal but that doesn’t mean your accomplishments aren’t real or worthy of respect. and you absolutely DO have accomplishments, figuring out how to manage ones health is a whole journey in itself. i’m proud of you for making it this far, even if you can’t quite see it that way 💛
sympathy & advice re:vent :)
@Satsuma yeah literally! There’s no social script for this, you’re so right. It’s rare getting a non-awkward response from people when saying it as it is. It certainly makes the whole thing harder. And thank you so much for the kind words. I appreciate it so much 💙 I have decided I’m gonna go. It’s what I want to do and I’m gonna keep reminding myself that it’s okay to be uncomfortable and awkward and that I don’t need to be ashamed of my life and disability.