"Although the Kaurava is the senior branch of the family, Duryodhana, the eldest Kaurava, is younger than Yudhishthira, the eldest Pandava. Both Duryodhana and Yudhishthira claim to be first in line to inherit the throne."

Yeah, sounds like exactly the kind of nitpicking that's par the course for succession fights

"To resolve his father's dilemma, Devavrata agrees to relinquish his right to the throne. As the fisherman is not sure about the prince's children honoring the promise, Devavrata also takes a vow of lifelong celibacy to guarantee his father's promise."

Get you a son who's willing to go to this length so you can remarry, I guess??

"To arrange the marriage of young Vichitravirya, Bhishma [note: Formerly Devavrata, Best Wingman Ever] attends the swayamvara of the three princesses Amba, Ambika, and Ambalika, uninvited, and proceeds to abduct them."

What the fuck?! Worst party crasher ever, man!! I'm going to guess this is a reference to ancient custom, since ritual bride abduction is fairly common.

"Ambika and Ambalika consent to be married to Vichitravirya."

Good for them, I guess.

"The oldest princess Amba, however, informs Bhishma that she wishes to marry the king of Shalva . . . Bhishma lets her leave to marry the king of Shalva"

Good for him!

But of course, the King of Shalva is still pouting over Bhishma defeating him at the party so Amba comes back to ask to marry Bhishma instead, Bhishma says no because vow of celibacy, and THEN obviously she becomes his lifelong enemy! Of course!!

"Satyavati asks her first son Vyasa to father children with the widows. The eldest, Ambika, shuts her eyes when she sees him, and so her son Dhritarashtra is born blind. Ambalika turns pale and bloodless upon seeing him, and thus her son Pandu is born pale and unhealthy"

Isn't Vyasa the *author* of this whole thing? Weird self-insert I gotta say, to show the character raping his brother's (half-brother I guess, since he wasn't mentioned among the sons of Satyavati and Shantanu) unwilling widows. This kinda reminds me of the Onan story from the Bible where unwillingness to do one's reproductive duty to perpetuate the family is punished in some way.

"When the princes grow up, Dhritarashtra is about to be crowned king by Bhishma when Vidura intervenes and uses his knowledge of politics to assert that a blind person cannot be king."

Okay first, fuck you, and second, this couldn't have been worked out beforehand, like before the last minute?

"Dhritarashtra marries Gandhari, a princess from Gandhara, who blindfolds herself for the rest of her life so that she may feel the pain that her husband feels. Her brother Shakuni is enraged by this and vows to take revenge on the Kuru family."

@ Gandhari: What the fuck
@ Shakuni: What the FUCK

"One day, when Pandu is relaxing in the forest, he hears the sound of a wild animal. He shoots an arrow in the direction of the sound. However, the arrow hits the sage Kindama, who was engaged in a sexual act in the guise of a deer. He curses Pandu that if he engages in a sexual act, he will die. Pandu then retires to the forest along with his two wives, and his brother Dhritarashtra rules thereafter, despite his blindness."

Idek what to say anymore

"Pandu's older queen Kunti, however . . . ask[s] Dharma the god of justice, Vayu the god of the wind, and Indra the lord of the heavens for sons. She gives birth to three sons, Yudhishthira, Bhima, and Arjuna, through these gods."

A+ queening there, lady 👍

"Kunti shares her mantra with the younger queen Madri, who bears the twins Nakula and Sahadeva through the Ashwini twins. However, Pandu and Madri indulge in lovemaking, and Pandu dies. Madri commits suicide out of remorse."

Classic case of "you should both have known better." And now Kunti is left with five divine sons to raise smh.

"Dhritarashtra has a hundred sons through Gandhari, all born after the birth of Yudhishthira."

Daaamn, girl!! This is the same Gandhari who blindfolded herself to feel her husband's pain, if you remember, and whose brother swore a feud on his in-laws as a result (??).

And this birth order is going to be the source of later troubles, since Dhritarashtra's sons are the elder branch of the family but the younger brother Pandu's eldest son is older than any of them.