personal, sadfeels
The sadfeels are bothering me today.
I want to sit with them and accept them and let them pass through me.
But they feel so *heavy* and they want to settle in and take up permanent residence.
I've noticed that I don't want to eat much during the day, but in the evenings I'm ravenous.
This morning, I paid attention to how the sadness feels in my body. It really does feel like a weight in my chest, like density is increasing, like the pull of gravity is keeping me slumped.
It's occurred to me that I want to eat so much in the evenings because that's when the sadness tends to peak. So I feel compelled to eat and eat until my body is physically heavier, so that it reflects these heavy feelings in my heart.
I had been doing daily meditation for a while, and found it to be wonderful. I'd started a 40 Days of Transformation course with a different guided meditation every day.
Then, maybe a week ago, in the 13th lesson, the teacher suggested that we were all going to become weightless, we'd experience the sensation of flying together.
And I just. Couldn't. I found it impossible. The more the teacher said that I was feeling weightless, the heavier and more stuck to my chair I felt.
I persisted with the session anyway, but haven't been able to return to the meditation practice since.
I'm not weightless. I can't fly. If I could fly, if I could magically transport myself somewhere in particular, I would do it so fast. God knows I want to.
I want to detach. I want to let go. I want to stop clinging to hope, and just accept what is.
I don't know how to tolerate uncertainty. I don't know how to live in this space where I don't have what I want, and it looks like I probably won't get it, but it's not really clear yet. There's still a chance.
How can I let go of attachment to a specific outcome, and just focus on the present moment?
personal, sadfeels
It's hard to work when I feel like this.
Went out to get a takeaway coffee and a tteok-galbi pie from the korean bakery, and brought them back with the intention of consuming them while working.
And instead I consumed them while watching shippy skz videos and making myself feel even sadder. wtf, self.
I'm going to try to do at least an hour or two of actual work now, and see if I can distract myself a little bit.
Yeah it's okay to feel my feelings, but also I gotta use my brain to earn moneys and pay bills. When whole self is weighed down by Too Much Sad, brain doesn't want to do the work that earns the money.
After work finishes today, we have a 3-day weekend (for the fucking Invasion Day public holiday on Monday, whatever), so I can wallow in sads for 3 days if I really feel compelled to do so.
If I can just get through the next 6 hours and somehow produce at least 3 hours of work in that time, I'll let myself fall apart for a bit.
Might even try writing some silly sadfeels skz RPF, but it won't be anything I can share with the world. I probably won't even post it on @ChickenRPF cos honestly it's not really fic. It's just delulu thoughts about past present and future romantic & sexual entanglements based on scraps of 'evidence' that I like to patch together into narratives and theories. I've tried turning it into fic in the past, but I don't have the knack or skill of turning broad outlines into actual scenes with good characterisation etc. And I don't know if I'm motivated to develop the skills required.
