Bard: Wait, don’t kill the Kobold. Can I persuade him to leave peacefully if we untie him?

DM: Sure, roll persuasion.

Bard: [rolls a nat 20] I tell him to go and chase his dreams of becoming a famous poet.

DM: Errr, he looks like he doesn’t really understand but he grins and nods enthusiastically, then runs off into the forest.

Warlock: …why?

Bard: I just thought it’d be funny.

[we later found an Ode to Rocks scrawled on a piece of paper, pinned to our door at the inn]

DM: I’m afraid you can’t inspire yourself.

Bard: Well that’s a mood.

DM: What’s everyone doing?

Bard: I’m muttering a string of extremely offensive curses in Draconic, which I shall not translate.

DM: Warlock is a Dragonborn. He can understand you.

Bard: Then I politely request that he doesn’t translate either.

DM: It doesn’t *appear* to be trapped.

Warlock: I cast Mage Hand to safely open the chest.

Bard: I also cast Mage Hand, in case yours needs help.

Warlock: Ok, I open the chest.

DM: Let me just check something real quick…

Bard: While she’s doing that, I get my mage hand to give your mage hand a high five!

Warlock: DAMMIT NOT NOW

Warlock: Are you trying to seduce the bad guy or something?

Bard: Oh come on, haven’t we all tried to seduce a bad guy from time to time?

Everyone: ...

Bard: Just me? Ok.

Ranger: Are you sure you’re not secretly a Halfling?

Bard: Well, I’m a Half Elf, but I don’t actually know what the other half is.

DM: That’s true. You could be half anything.

Ranger: So you actually could be half Halfling?

Bard: Yeah, then I’d be a Quarterling.

[after passing a group stealth check]

Bard: I’m glad they didn’t notice us. I was worried this perfume I’m wearing might give us away.

Warlock: Why are you wearing perfume out here in the Badlands?

Bard: Because I like it. Also I might need to be persuasive. I haven’t had a proper bath in days.

Druid: Haven’t you been using Prestidigitation or something to keep clean?

Bard: Well, *I* have. But errr, not everyone here has. I’m just saying!

[at the start of a boss fight]

Bard: I yell the most deeply offensive curses I know in Goblin language, which no one else understands.

DM: You’re the only party member who speaks Goblin?

Bard: Yes.

DM: Ok, no one understands you except the boss, who speaks Goblin.

Bard: Oh. [starts laughing]

#GoblinWeek

Bard: I cast Vicious Mockery.

DM: Ok, what do you say?

Bard: I use the language I just learned to say what I… hope? Is an insult?

DM: [rolls] You tell the land kraken it has hairy knees.

Bard: I mean, it doesn’t even have legs, so surely that counts!